So I tweaked out yesterday...
...and I ended up quitting the PT job at NY&Co. I didn't mean to do it the way that I did... I sort of feel like an asshole. Sigh. Ah well. Can't change what happened. Guess I have to own that.
I've been really stressed out lately. For a lot of reasons, I guess. I think the number one reason is that I'm just really hating my job lately. I'm totally and completely overwhelmed with work, and I don't like the work to begin with so it's been really tough trying to dig myself out from under it. I'm working on resolving this problem, so hopefully there'll be a change in the near future and I won't have that stress anymore. I'm scared though that my solution won't come to pass... so I'm stressed about that too.
So yeah. There are other things that are stressing me out and I'm just in this constant state of being right at the edge... and lately every little thing pushes me over it. At the end of the day at work, all I want to do is go home and curl up with my boyfriend on the couch and relax. The NY&Co job was preventing that from happening. Because of that job I had to give up some of my free time - my down time... I wasn't getting to go home after work - I had to go to work. That fact caused me even more stress. Every day that I had to work at NY&Co in the evening, I'd be in an even worse mood. When I got there, though, I didn't hate that job... but I was always exhausted when I got home and still stressed from the day. I'd get home and just crash. I was like Goldie Hawn in Overboard after her first day of doing chores and taking care of the kids: sitting in a daze muttering, "ba ba ba ba ba ba..."
And the money definitely wasn't worth it. I got $7/hr working there, and even though the holidays are upcoming, I was getting at most two four hour shifts a week... and then usually getting called off of one of them. So I was bringing home $20 a week. Not worth it. They kept saying that our hours would increase as the holidays approached, but the thought of giving up any more of my down time really stressed me out.
So yesterday while I was at work I was stressing out, as usual, and on top of the usual stress, I was irritated that I had to go into work at NY&Co right after work and couldn't go home. I really had worked myself up into a state. (In case you haven't noticed, I'm somewhat of a Drama Queen.) I emailed friends for advice... and I came to the conclusion that I would go into work and tell the manager (Kathy) that I'd work the new schedule that she just posted the day before (that ran through next Saturday), but that I couldn't handle a PT job on top of everything else anymore.
Then I thought about it and I remembered that Kathy had told me Tuesday (when I was on call and couldn't get through for hours to see if they needed me so ended up driving there after work to be told that they accidentally had the ringer turned off on the phone and that they didn't need me - annoying) that she was going to have me training on register last night. So I thought, "If I'm not going to be working there after next week, why would they want to waste their time training me on register?" So I tried to call Kathy to tell her right away over the phone about working just through the new schedule to see if she even wanted me to bother going in last night. But she wasn't there when I called. So I stressed out more. I really hated the thought of going in there that night and being trained when it was pointless.
So I called back and spoke with the manager on duty - Jen - and told her that I couldn't come in for my shift. She gave me attitude and said that they called the on call person and told her she didn't have to come in and I could call the on call girl and ask her to come in for me. That really irritated me. First of all, she's the manager, it's not my deal whether or not they're staffed. And secondly, no one gave me the courtesy of a phone call the other night when they didn't need me. So I hung up on her and called the on call girl and got her voicemail and left her a message. Then I got in my car and drove towards the mall. I was really tweaking out. I didn't want to go in especially now, because I felt like a tool because I told them I couldn't come in. I got to the parking lot and sat there and tried to decide. I ended up calling Jen back from the parking lot and telling her that I left a message with her on call girl but that I wasn't coming in tonight or back - ever. I apologized for leaving her in such a lurch but said that I just couldn't handle it anymore... and I sort of cried a little bit. God, I'm a tool. I must have sounded SO crazy. Ugh... own it. I have to own it...
Anyway, she said that she'd have to try and cover my 2 shifts I was scheduled for next week (yeah, I bet it's really only one and that the other was an on call shift anyways) and it sort of irritated me that she bothered to tell me that because I really don't care because I just quit. She also said that Kathy might call me, which I expect that she might, and I'm really going to feel like an asshole when I talk to her. I really like Kathy. She's been nothing but accommodating for me and now I just was a complete asshole and quit without any notice. And left them in a lurch for last night. God... I'm such an asshole. (Trying to own it.)
But I do feel about a million times better already. I was able to go home last night and relax with my boyfriend. I didn't feel like sitting there complaining all night, either. I was in a good mood, finally. I really hate the way I ended up quitting, but it's a really good thing that I did. I cut one stresser out. I've been such an Eyeore lately, and I don't really know why and that really bothers me. So hopefully this is a step towards being Eyeore no longer.
