so hot... hate humidity... must have air conditioner in next apartment. i hate humidity!! there's a reason why i don't live in florida. even if i got an air conditioner i'd only put it in my bedroom so it'd be nice to sleep at night and also because i wouldn't want the a/c unit hanging out my living room window because it's in the front of the apartment building and that would look so ghetto. so yeah. next apartment will have: air conditioning and a dishwasher. as a bonus it could have a washer/dryer. sigh. but i've got at least another year here.

last night was the summer outing for work. we went on a "sunset cruise" on dutch apple cruises. the food was alright. i mean, the cubed cheese was good. and the vegetable platter was pretty good. the "party subs" were alright. but the zita and meatballs had a pretty gross generic cafeteria food sauce and the crabcakes tasted like they were made with stovetop stuffing and they were warm to cold and the wings were... well i liked them but they must've been pretty sucky wings if i liked them because i hate what is "good" about wings. they weren't too greasy and they didn't have much taste other than just chicken. there were three decks to the boat and the middle deck had the bar and a big fat dj but they kicked all of my coworkers out of the middle section (they actually made an announcement). we were banished to the lowest deck (which was pretty much a cafeteria) but everyone kind of migrated to the uppermost deck. it was mostly open up there with the middle section covered by an awning and even though it was raining the entire time we were on the boat (seriously, it started when we were leaving the dock and ended when we were pulling back in) it was pretty nice up there. the cruise was 2 hours long, which i thought was going to feel like a lifetime, but it went by pretty quickly.

(hot. melting. hate humidity.)

so today i decided that i'd just veg at home after work. and that ruled. i got shit done. rock! i exercised (so hot...) and then i made a kickass dinner of veggies grilled on my george foreman grill and tossed with balsamic vinegar and thin spaghetti. it ruled. and i have leftovers for work tomorrow. i rule. i did dishes (damn, i'm productive) and cleaned the cat litter (i hate doing that. so very much.). i'm hoping to figure out what i'm wearing to work tomorrow, pay bills, and plan tomorrow night's dinner before i go to bed. doable. if i don't lose my motivation. (hot. so hot.)

i can't believe tomorrow's only thursday.

well, there's 18 days left until beck and i leave for europe and i am utterly unprepared and freaking out. why do i think i can afford to go on this trip when my finances are so shitty? i have absolutely no money for this trip and i had to ask my mom if i could have a loan. and of course she's not going to hand over any money without a large guilt trip attatched to it. and that's hella shitty because i really have a hard time asking anyone for help at all for anything. and i especially have a hard time asking for monetary help. so i ask her and she's got to make it difficult for me. she wanted to know what i was paying for: in other words, was i making beck pay any more for the hotels because i got the tickets. i think that was pretty shitty of her. i mean, i didn't buy the tickets, they were a gift. and i asked beck to come on a trip with me. you don't say, "hey, i got free tickets to anywhere in the world, do you want to come? but you need to pay for the hotels because the tickets are mine." that's shitty. then she wanted to know if anyone else was giving me money: in other words is dad giving me money. well he gave me the tickets. and also, i'm one of six kids that he provides for. she only has me. and she doesn't provide for me. so i think she can handle it better than he can. whatever. she wants me to come up with a number to ask her for. but then she got all preachy about how i should really go cheap blah blah blah. no fucking kidding. i mean, i go cheap every day of my life, why would i think i should/could blow a lot of money on vacation. at the same time, this could be my only trip to europe. this woman travels all the time (at the same time that i'll be in ireland she'll be on an alaskan cruise) and they spare no expense. and never ask me along. you'd think that she'd want to give me a little extra so that i could have a good time on my first real travel experience. whatever. it sounds like she's going to loan me money, but it's going to be pulling teeth getting anything out of her. i'm so scared for this trip. i don't want to be over there and be out of money. i want to at least be able to eat every day. ugh. stressing. i'm so stressed out over this trip, over the money that i'm going to be spending that it almost makes me wish i wasn't going. i hate being so fucking poor. seriously, i'm so depressed that everything i had saved up for this trip is basically gone. i don't know how that happened either. i've had so many unexpected expenses over the last 3 months or so. and what's frustrating is i've been living very ghetto so that i could save up for this trip and i've got nothing to show for it. ugh. stressed/depressed.

i should stop worrying about it. looks like mom will loan me money. as long as i have enough for hotels and at least one meal a day and transportation to/from airports i'll be ok. it'll be a ghetto fabulous trip to europe. i should just relax and enjoy it.