I just saw absolutely the most disgusting thing on mtv... this new show called "I Bet You Will"... this girl agreed to have them shave her head and then mix her shaved off hair with butter and then she'd eat it, washing it down with heavy cream for $250. and she actually ate her own hair mixed with butter. and not just a little. it was like five sticks of butter and a bunch of hair. and she did it. eww. eww. eww. and they showed her puking a few times. eww. it was seriously the most disgusting thing i'd ever seen. seriously, you couldn't pay me enough to do that... eww.

ok. so... i was reading the comments posted on my page a little earlier, and i really appreciate the supportive things said :) i visited the one guy's page, and he posted a little comment on it along with a link to my blog... he said:
"This is my last post until Monday. I was cruising around other people's blogs and ran into this story about a girl who's boyfriend dumps her and then asks her to fix his computer. Imagine the audacity! and she goes over and fixes the computer! Holy crap?!?! "
and damn, when you put it like that, what was i thinking? nothing like listening to a total stranger's point of view to really give you a kick in the pants... (for the record... i didn't know that he was a lying, cheating asshole at the time and i thought i could be his friend. but then i realized that by trying to be his friend it kept me hanging on. so i went over there thinking that i'll do him this favor [but why really?] and tell him that i couldn't deal with being his friend anymore... and if i hadn't gone and found that card that 'the other woman' gave him, i probably would have never found out that he's a lying, cheating asshole)
and now that i think of it, how could i ever have really lasted with a guy who's so technologically clueless?

so i'm sitting here listening to the sounds of some sort of dance going on in the church behind my house... do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight... and just before that was the theme song from grease... it's like, really early for a dance... it's only 8, and this has been going on for like an hour. i wonder if it's a bunch of old people or something.. little grannies gettin down to disco music. probably not. i hope not.

so this is the last that I'm going to write about the tim matter...


*he's an asshole.

*he's a liar. He's lied to me, he's lied to his friends, and he's lied (probably still is) to his new girlfriend.

*he fucking cheated on me. and then when 'the other woman' insisted that he break it off with me, he did... calling it a break. and he had no intention of ever telling me what was really going on. and he lied to her telling her that he told me about her. but he didn't. he kept me hanging on. kept calling me honey... kept saying that he loved me while he was telling her he loved her too. and even when i confronted him about it with evidence he lied to me. and he did it again and agian. asshole.

*he's apparently been telling people that i'm making things up. sorry, but this is all stranger than fiction to me. i couldn't just make this shit up. He was my first love and he fucked me over.

*he's a cheating, lying asshole, and i am so done with him. I'm so glad that i got to be the one to tell him that i never wanted to see him again and hang up on him twice (yeah, he came back for more)


so that's it. if I write more about it please feel free to yell at me.

so today went well at my first day at my new job. the job seems pretty easy, and i'm pretty sure that i'm going to love it... i'm still nervous though, i want to do a good job...
so i'm doing much better today than i was last night... last night i think i was in psychogenic shock (becky's term, i didn't come up with that on my own)... i could barely stand or walk, i felt like i was in a daze and about to faint... i couldn't eat (although i did force myself because i thought that would help - it didn't) and i felt like i was going to throw up everytime i thought of what happened.... i still kinda feel that way today... eating holds no interest for me, and i still feel sick to my stomach anytime i think of it... and there were a couple of times at work today when the room started spinning... but it's much better than last night...
i can't wait to feel better, i've been so depressed over the last few weeks... i've seriously lost 10 pounds, and i haven't been trying to lose weight at all... in fact, i've been thinking that i've been eating way too much and way too many bad things...
i just still can't believe that tim is such an ass. what the hell... i mean, for almost five years he wasn't an ass. and then he dumps me and starts up with this woman (yeah, so not a girl).. makes me feel like complete shit, like he didn't care for me at all if he can just do that right away. and then to lie to me? why would he do that? we're broken up, he might as well tell me the truth... or did he still want to keep me hanging on in case he changed his mind... and if i hadn't found the card, he never would have told me about it. and i even kinda asked about it thursday at lunch when he said that he and anna went canoeing and he said "come on ali" like that was ludicrous... and it's gross that he would still call me honey etc when he's been "seeing" someone else. he obviously knows it's not something he should be doing and he's obviously embarrassed and ashamed to tell me the truth. what a complete jerk. he's hurt me so much. i wish i could just stop loving him, i mean just stop now. but i can't stop, and i can't stop hurting. it'll be good when anger takes over, but for now all i can do is be shocked and hurt. i'm so fucking naive... i didn't think he would lie to me. i trusted him. i believed him when he told me that he still loved me too.

so, tim's an asshole. I feel so sick thinking of how he's treated me. I deserve so much more respect... I went to his house yesterday to help him out with his palm and when I got there he was just hanging up the phone with someone, saying he'd see them later or something... and it didn't sound like he was talking to a guy... so we went into his room and I started to try and figure out what was wrong with his computer. being in his room was weird. he still had the photos of us around, and on his bookshelf underneath his desk he had a book on buying engagement rings... at one point tim was staring at something and when i asked him what he was thinking about he said he was thinking of the two of us in one of the pictures there... i couldn't help but get depressed trying to figure out what went wrong. His phone rang like three times while I was there and at one point he was gone for like 10 minutes on the phone. and he kept going outside to smoke. so one of those times when he was out of his room and i was waiting for his computer to reboot, i noticed a pile of cards on his dresser, and on the top was a card that looked like one i'd given him. it was a small card with a picture on the front of two people kissing in front of the eiffel tower. i picked it up to see what i'd written inside and it fucking wasn't from me. it was from anna, one of his 'friends' from the hospital who just divorced her husband. inside it started out saying "i'm falling more in love with you every day... you came into my life as a friend and i know you'll stay that way" or something like that... i was so hurt and shocked that i put it back and started shaking... i took off his sweater and socks that he had given me to wear (it was cold in his room) and packed up my things. when tim came back in the room he sat down on the bed and i confronted him.
i told him that i needed him to be very honest with me... and i asked him if there was somebody else... and he said yes. i wanted to die. then i asked him how long and he said a couple of weeks... i pointed out that our relationship had only been over for a couple of weeks... i was crying... then he said that he wasn't fucking her or anything, but that she wanted to be more than friends and he didn't... that she was looking for a rebound relationship and that he wasn't looking for a relationship at all... he said that in five years there had never been anyone else and that he wouldn't ever cheat on me... and i believed him... he apologized to me... i still felt horribly crushed. i told him that i felt i was conspired against because i think that anna and jen hate me (although, i really don't know why. i've never done anything to them, and i actually liked them before). he said that no one helped him make his decision, he made it on his own, and that they didn't hate me, just that they thought that we weren't right for eachother (what gave them the right to tell him that, they didn't even know us together). so then he said somthing about us being friends and being there for eachother and i told him that i can't. i can't be his friend when i still love him so much. he said ok and apologized for asking me to go to lunch with him and fix his computer.. i told him not to apologize because i accepted, i had thought that i could be his friend, but everytime i saw him or heard from him it got my hopes up... he said that he wouldn't call me anymore, and that i should call him when i feel that i can... i gave him a letter to read that explained everything i felt (it said that i couldn't do this anymore because he still talked to me like i was his girlfriend and it was his decision to end it and he was leading me on and keeping me hanging on and i was not going to be a back up girlfriend) he walked me out to my car and in the garage i asked him for a hug, and he gave me a big hug, and then held onto me while we talked a little more... then i kissed him, and he definatley kissed back but we stopped and talked more... i told him that this hurt a lot and he said that it hurt him too.... he said to leave him my new number when i moved... when i left he looked on the verge of tears. when i got home, i saw that jen had posted a response to my last post, saying that anna was seeing tim. i don't know what she thinks gives her the right to tell me that. if tim hadn't already told me i would have really been upset. that was horrible of her. but she said seeing. as in a relationship. and tim said that there wasn't one. i'm so sickened that he would lie to me like that. how can he be in a relationship with anna when our almost five year relationship just ended, and he still tells me that he loves me but he doesn't want a relationship right now. eww. everytime i think of it i want to throw up. i can't believe he's acting like such an asshole, he never was an asshole before. how can he think of being in a relationship so fast? where's the mourning period? it's just a rebound thing that won't work and will hurt them both... I'm just so sick to my stomach thinking of it. I can't believe he lied to me like that. why would he do that? to keep me hanging on still? i just can't believe he's such an ass. i was being so honest with him and he lied to me...
well, now i have to stop thinking of this and get ready for my first day at my new job... more later... ali

One of Tim's friends keeps visiting my website. I'm flattered that she'd visit my page and all, but I don't know why she'd care what's on here...

Sunday was a pretty good day actually...
i went to church in the morning and the priest was the long-winded one but he told a humorous story about being preached to by a 10-year-old Jehovah's witness on his front stoop.... then i went shopping at wal-mart with my dad... i love my daddy :)
then i talked to tim, who wanted me to come over and fix his palm (it won't sync right with his computer) but he decided that he was too tired today, so i'm going over tomorrow. I know, i shouldn't... but i figure i'm going to do this favor for him, and then tell him that i don't think i can be his friend right now while my feelings for him are still wanting to be a girlfriend and so i'm not going to be able to see him for a while. not till i can get over these feelings that i have for him. I hope I'll be able to be his friend someday, but right now it can't happen because everytime i see him or hear from him i get my hopes up, so in order for me to heal not seeing him is probably best. :(
then becky came over and we went out for cofee and then came back here to watch the 3rd season of Sex and the City on DVD. We watched it for 6 hours :) I love that show... i figure that if i identify with anyone on that show, it's probably a mix between Carrie and Charlotte... I tend to be sometimes innocent like Charlotte, but I also tend to obsess over relationships like Carrie (that should be obvious from the content of this website)... watching that show makes me feel more confident, sexy and powerful... like somehow the attitudes of the characters rub off on me or something... anyway, so we watched Sex and the City and then went to Denny's for like the third night in a row and got late night food... so that explains why it's 3am and I'm up posting to my blog...

today is ok