this sux. after 5 years, tim just up and dumps me with no warning. we'd been making all these plans (which, by the way, he always brought up) and then all of a sudden he needs time apart, and then he makes no effort to talk to me again. what the hell. i guess i can understand if he's freaking out, but why wouldn't he want to talk to me then? is he too afraid? is he afraid that if we talked, he would go back on his decision? or is he afraid that if we talked he'd only hurt me more? this would hurt less if he had just come out and said, I'm sorry, I'm not in love with you anymore, we have to break up. but instead he says, i have a problem with me, i need to work it out, i need some space. so, what did he mean? this sux.

my dad suggested that perhaps tim was trying to tell me something when he told me the story about giving his friend money at the wedding just cause he asked. maybe tim feels like when he's put in a box, he just does what's expected of him. so, maybe with graduating tim is wondering if he really wants to be a nurse or if he's doing it cause that's what was expected of him. and, by the same token, maybe tim brought up moving in together and marriage because he thought that's what was expected of him at that point. and so now he's trying to step back and see if he's been doing what he's been doing because he wanted to do it, or if he was doing it cause that's what was expected of him. i'd really hate to think that tim was with me and talking about a future together just because that's what he thought was expected of him. i certainly didn't put that expectation on him, or at least i didn't conciously. i've actually always tried to not bring it up, because i didn't want to pressure him. he's always been the one to bring it up.

so becky's response to that was that she didn't think that if he really did it only because that's what he thought was expected of him, that wouldn't make sense. because he wouldn't be the one to bring it up all the time if he only did it cause he thought it was expected of him. if he thought that way, he'd probably avoid bringing it up at all.. i dunno. i dunno if the preceding sentences made sense at all because i'm writing this when i'm really tired.

i dunno. i don't know what to think. i'm hurt that tim would treat me this way after five years. but at the same time i'm not mad (not really, not yet anyway) because i'm pretty sure that he didn't set out to hurt me on purpose. also, i don't think he really knows what he wants (and that sux. makes me feel bad. how can he not be sure after all this time?) and he seems very confused and scared. i know that this isn't about me, it's about him. ugh. i'm not making any sense. i'm just trying to write out what i'm feeling cause i can't stand thinking about it anymore. he's acting like such a child right now. he completely blew off his brother and wife (michael and amy, i love them, they're great) at his graduation cause he knew that they'd side with me and tell him he's being an asshole. he probably felt guilty and so he avoided them. he sux right now. he should act like an adult. i mean, why would you act like that? it's like he's reverting back to his childhood and he's pushing away everyone who would encourage him to become an adult. he's really got a lot of growing up to do, and i guess i've felt that before, but now i know it. it will be interesting to see how he handles starting his new job. i can't see him moving out on his own either. not unless his mother went and picked out an apartment and moved him in.

i, on the other hand, have started looking around, and i plan on moving out asap. i can't wait around for him to grow up, cause i guess i don't know if that will ever happen. this situation just sux. why would he make all these plans with me just to suddenly dump me and not talk to me again? what's going on? i have no closure. there was no problem, no big blow up... he decides to end it by saying that he still wants to be my friend as he walks around with me holding my hand. and then he never makes an effort to contact me. what the hell. i mean, if he just wanted to break up with me he should have had the balls to do it. and if he wanted to be my friend, he should have had the balls to call me. what the hell. now i'm just left in this awful limbo. i guess i just have to assume it's permanent. i hoped that it would have ended better if it had to end at all. i just want to talk to him and see what he's thinking. is he relieved? or does he think this sux also? i have no idea. i think he owes it to me to talk to me and give me some closure. and through all this, i can't help but miss him so much. i was happy. i thought he was happy (although i was obviously wrong). we had so much fun together. i thought we were in love. he led me to believe that we had a future together. and then he suddenly took it all back. this sux, i miss him, and i'm increadibly hurt.

want to see a cute little lego/star wars film? click here

my interview went well today. the job sounds like it'd be pretty ideal, so i hope i get it.

Tim couldn't go to lunch today. Here's pretty much how our im conversation went:

Ali: Tim? you there?

Ali (a few minutes later): guess not.. :( call me when you get the chance... i miss you :(

Tim: i'm here, i just woke up

Ali: oh, did you work last night?

Tim: yeah

Ali: oh, sorry

Tim: for what?

Ali: for bothering you

Tim: you're not bothering me

Ali: sure?

Tim: yeah

Ali: so, do you want to get something to eat later?

Tim: not today. i have some stuff i have to do.

Ali: oh, ok.

Tim: i have to go, i need to take a shit. talk to you later.

Ali: k

Tim: seeya

Ali: bye

and then, after a few minutes i left him this message:

Ali: Tim, please call me, i won't take up too much of your time, i just want to arrange a time to meet if that's ok with you. i need to talk to you.

and then after a few minutes he just got offline. i tried to call his house but his dad said that tim wasn't there, which had to be a lie because tim had just gotten offline. so i left a message on his cellphone saying that i thought it was mean of him to have his dad lie to me, and i just needed to talk to him (that i wasn't going to try and get him back or anything, cause i know that's not what he wants) and that he should call me cause i'm not going to call him anymore cause it's embarrassing.
I am just so upset. i don't deserve to be treated llike that. and he shouldn't be acting like that, i mean, he's 23 going on 24 years old. you shouldn't have your parents lie for you. freakin be a man and answer the fucking phone. i mean, if he changed his mind about meeting me cause he thinks it's too soon, fine. whatever. but we have some unfinished business about this breakup. don't tell me you need a break and time apart if you really want to break up with me. don't tell me that you want to still be my friend if that's too much for you. don't tell me you still love me if you don't. the saddest thing ever to me is when someone is too much of a wimp to own up to their feelings... there's this barenaked ladies song that always makes me sad where two people stay together even though one's not in love with the other anymore, i think it's called break your heart or something like that. anyway, in the song the one that's not in love says that he didn't want to break her heart, which is why he never broke up with her. then she says "you arrogant man/ what do you think think that i am/ my heart will be fine/ just i'm wasting my time" and i hope so much that that song doesn't apply to me. i just don't understand what happened. he was the one that suggested we meet, and i thought he still cared about me, at least it sounded that way on sunday. what happened? i just need to talk to him. i need to see it in his face that he doesn't want this anymore, and then i'll be able to move on. but right now, i'm just stuck in limbo. and i hate this. this whole thing makes no sense to me. i've thought about it over and over and it just doesn't make sense. nothing was wrong, and then this, which makes me believe that it's not about me, it's about him. he's freaking out. but why have your dad lie to me? why deliberately avoid talking to me? that really hurts. i mean, it's not like i was harrassing him or anything. whatever. this just hurts, and i don't know what to do about it. and all i want to do is talk to him. i need to know what he's thinking, what's going on. this sux

so i have an interview tomorrow for a part time administrative assistant position at a dr's office in albany, right near where i'll be going to school... it's pretty much exactly what i've been looking for. it's just mornings (9-1) and it's $10 an hour. i just faxed in my resume, and they called me right away for an interview in the morning. :) i so hope i get it... i'm meeting tim for lunch tomorrow. i'm pretty nervous... i hope everything goes well... at least i'll have some exciting news to tell him :) i have such a bad sore throat... ugh... i hope it gets better soon, cause i can barely swallow or talk or anything... more later... ali

so i actually did start to clean my room yesterday. i've got the area around the desk pretty much done, so now i have to move on to the closet area (ugh), then the dresser area, then under the bed. but i can't do that right now, cause unfortunately i have to go to work :( work blows

so... what else happened today... oh, i got new underwear! that was exciting :) i got a free pair of nude colored underwear from Victoria's Secret (coupon) and $5 off my purchase, so i got another cute pair of underwear - multicolored thin stripes - and a cute yellow bra. they made me happy :) i played ddr (5th mix) at the mall, that was fun... i put together cover letters and resumes for a bunch of different jobs. i've decided that i'm going to apply for a part time job that has set hours (and preferably pays well also) that will work when i go back to school. and so i'll work that job and the hospital job over the summer and when i go back to school in the fall i'll cut back to just the part time job. so i'm excited :) i've put together two of my professional little cover letter/resume packets to go out in the mail tomorrow, and two more packets to be faxed tomorrow, and then i have a bunch of other ads marked in the paper for places that i'm going to call. this should be exciting. i hate interviewing, but i need a new job. it's time to stop bitching about the crappy job that i have now and start looking for a new one. also, getting a job that will work while i go back to school will help me with my anxiety about the fall.
so... what else... i've started reading a new book, The Nanny Diaries which is pretty good so far... and... ugh... i still haven't touched my laundry or started cleaning my room... it's late now, so i promise myself (and you're witnessing) that i'll start all that cleaning crap tomorrow... i give anyone who reads this permission to email/im me to bug me if they see on the webcam that i haven't started yet...

so yesterday i decided that i would call tim and wish him congratulations and good luck on his graduation. i couldn't stand not hearing from him, and i figured that communication works both ways and it kinda felt like some sort of head game waiting for him to call me. so i called him (i was hella nervous making that call) and i got his voicemail and left him a message.
he called me today (YAY!) here's the play by play: i was in friendly's with my family after church and i was finished eating (i ordered breakfast foods so mine came out first) and my phone rang (well, buzzed in my pocket actually) i saw it was him so i went outside to answer it. the phone call was kinda awkward, but i don't see how it couldn't have been. neither one of us knows what's going on in the other one's head, so we don't really know what to say to eachother right now. he asked me how i was hanging in there, and i said ok (i wanted to say, 'well, i've been in agony, how have you been' but i thought i should keep things light and upbeat). i asked him if he had to work last night cause he sounded tired, and he said that he did (which explains why he waited until today to return my call). i congratulated him on graduation and he said thanks, and that he missed rehearsal, but i assured him that he'd do fine. he thanked me for the graduation card that i said him, and said that the message was beautiful, and i told him that i meant it. he suggested that we meet sometime this week for lunch or something, and i said that would be good, and he told me that he'd call me sometime this week. and he kept asking me if i needed anything, and he asked me to promise that i'd call him if i did. at the end of the conversation, we really didn't know how to end it. we used to always end our conversations with I love you, but... he said that he had to go cause he needed to get ready to go to graduation, and i said ok. then he said that he'd talk to me later and i said ok.. then there was an awkward pause... then he was like, ok, i'll talk to you later, bye, and i said bye... and then there was another pause... and then he said, um, alright i'll talk to you later and hung up.
so, i'm not sure what to make of the conversation. he sounded genuinely happy to talk to me, and he sounded caring and concerned about me... there was a gentleness to his voice. so that's good. it was an awkward conversation, but like i said before, neither of us really knows what the other one's thinking, so... i'm glad he suggested that we see eachother sometime this week... i'm unsure about the lunch thing. i mean, is this definate friend zone? or is lunch an easy way to get together and talk? i don't know... i definately feel much better about everything right now. i've talked to him (he's still alive)... he didn't sound cold or uncaring on the phone... i will see him this week. i hope that after we see eachother, we'll both have a better idea of what's going on... i mean, i've just been in such limbo over the past week, i'd just like a firmer understaning of what he's thinking and feeling. does he just want a break or a break up? knowing one way or the other (even if it's the way that i don't want it to be) will be so much better than this not knowing crap. i'm nervous and i can't wait to see him.. he probably won't call tomorrow... i hope he calls by wednesday, if he doesn't call by then i'll start to convince myself that he really didn't want to meet me, but that he just said that.. although i'm sure that he does want to meet me... i'm just not sure about where he wants to go with our relationship from here... ah well, enough analyzing this for the night...

well, the last episode of the xfiles was kinda dissapointing....