so i saw episode II today, and i really enjoyed it. the best part had to be yoda kicking butt with his light sabre... that little guy can move :) my little brothers were cracking up so bad during that part, it was so cute. i really want to go see it again, cause i feel like i missed a lot only watching it one time... so i'm not really in the mood to write much now... i'll try and write more later... but, to waste some time in the meantime, you can check out the onion

so, he still hasn't called, and i don't know how to take this. i mean, he said that he still wants to be friends. but no communication for a week? and he graduates tomorrow, and i'm so sad, cause i thought that he would have wanted me there if he still cares for me like he says he does. maybe everything that he said about still loving me but being upset with himself was a lie, and he really just doesn't love me anymore. maybe not talking to me and not seeing me is some huge relief for him. that is just so sad. i miss him so much, and this hurts so bad.

it's snowing outside. snowing what the hell is going on? i mean, it's May 18th, we're past the middle of May, it's almost June and it's snowing outside. and it's not like it's just flurrying... it's a wet, heavy snow that's actually accumulating. they said we may get 3-6 inches of accumulation. this is just weird and wrong.

why am i awake? i got home this morning and went to sleep around 20 after 7, so why am i awake now? this is way too early, i've only slept for about 4 hours! work was boring last night, and it seemed to take forever. when it was like 4 to 630, i was so bored and tired that all i could do was think about tim and be depressed. i hope i hear from him soon... blah. i'm going to try and sleep some more, cause this is rediculous...

i have to work the overnight shift again tonight, and i can't sleep. i need to nap before i go in, cause i've been up all day, but i just can't fall asleep. every time i lay down, all i can do is think about tim. i try and focus on something else, anything else, but he's been with me for the past five years, so anything i think of goes back to tim. i just miss him so much.

I went for a 2 hour walk today in the Vischer Ferry preserve. It was really nice. the sky was actually blue while i was out, the temperature was warm, and the smells and sounds of spring were in abundance.... i've never seen so many birds, they were all over the place. i saw one pair of birds with bright orange-yellow chests chasing eachother, they looked like something right out of a disney movie. I also saw this other HUGE bird, that i think was a crane. At first when i saw it, i thought it was a swan because it looked very white when it flew across the canal, but when i got closer, i saw that it was gray. it had a long neck, and when it flew, it drew its head close to its body. it was really a big bird, the biggest i've ever seen close up in the wild. i think its wingspan must have been like 3 or 4 feet. it was really impressive and beautiful... i was in a great mood while i was walking... i was thinking that no matter what the outcome of this break with tim, i'll be fine... but when i got home, my mood came crashing down. i may be fine eventually, but right now i miss him a lot. and i still love him, and i wish he'd call. he said he would, but what's he waiting for? i mean even if we're just friends permanently, friends call eachother... maybe he's waiting so that i have a chance to soak it in or whatever... i don't know. all i know is that this hurts, and i feel like i don't matter that much to him, or that this isn't hard for him, cause he doesn't call. :(

i just miss him horribly tonight

and for more star wars related waste of time, entertain yourself with this star wars quiz

was bumbling around the net and found the Star Wars family tree. an interesting/geeky way to waste a few minutes

i dreamed about tim again last night... the first one was this long wierd dream where he was still living at home, but his room was huge, kinda like an apartment, and there were all of these annoying girls redecorating it. they weren't professionals or anything, they were just people that he or his friends knew. and all of his friends that were at the wedding were there, but i couldn't find tim all of the time. i'd see him and then he'd be gone... it was like i wasn't really supposed to be there either for some reason.. like we had fought or like we were supposed to be broken up (like we are now) but i was there. i think i had dropped something off and then i stayed or something like that. anyway, these girls were destroying his room. a couple of them were sawing the legs off of this table that looked like the kitchen table that tim and i bought together. and when i found him and told him about it, he was really upset...
so this dream was really weird... i'm trying to figure out what it means... i guess it probably means something like i'm afraid that by shutting me out tim will let people in who aren't so good for him. these girls were destroying his room, and his friends were all just sitting around watching, letting it happen. i guess the table that looked like the one that we bought together was probably pretty symbolic. maybe it was supposed to be our relationship or our potential future together... i dunno... maybe that's reading too far into just a weird dream.... whatever it meant, it was depressing.

i had another dream about tim last night, but i won't post a description of that because that one was a little... um... personal... i miss him :(

was just watching Letterman and he had Alison Janning (sp?) form The West Wing on, and she said that in her spare time she goes to a friend's house with a bunch of other women and learns how to strip. I'm intrigued. I would like to learn how to strip... they even have a pole that they dance with. sounds like fun (come on, you know you want to try it.)...

I added a commenting system so that interested parties (you) can comment on any posts i've made... try it out and make me a happy girl (come on, i need a little joy right now... show me some love)

so i needed something to cheer me up, so i went to ghetto airlines and laughed my ass off.

my little brothers are so perceptive. i mean, i'm sure that no one told me that tim broke up with me, but they've just been so sweet to me. i guess they can tell that something is wrong, and they keep trying to cheer me up. they're so sweet.

... so my mom keeps trying to tell me to think about getting an apartment on my own. while it's not a bad idea, i just feel that it's too soon for me to think about. i mean up until 3 days ago i thought that i was moving in with tim this summer. and i'm still kind of in denial about this whole break up. so while i appreciate her trying to get my mind focused on something else, i just can't think about moving out on my own right now. ugh...

i'm a bitch today. everything is irritating me. went to the YMCA... everybody there seemed like an asshole... but that could just be the truth, this is clifton park... i walked around the track for a long time and did the elliptical machine for a half an hour, and i haven't done anything for like three weeks cause of my ankle so now my legs feel hella tired.

i had the most hellish time at the dentist last evening. I was really tired cause i'd been up all night at work the night before, and so i kept yawning... then the dr kept drilling my gums ouch i was like, "see that pink part? yeah, that's my gum, don't drill it"... the appointment took forever, and then, to top it all off, they had B95.5 on the radio which plays soft rock (which irritates me to begin with) and there was some stupid radio show, 'Delilah', on and they played all sorts of love or post-love songs that really depressed the hell out of me. They played that song from Pearl Harbor and if you don't think that it's about someone who's died, you can apply it to a dead relationship, and it's hella depressing... and it made me think of the movie which made me think of going to see it with tim... ugh, very depressing... so i'm sitting there with my mouth crammed full of tubes and sucky-things and drills and fingers etc and i started tearing up. sucked. i miss tim.

so to take my mind off of all of this depressingness, i downloaded nesticle (a nintendo emulator) and i've been playing the original zelda nonstop... i've beaten this game before, but it's just so much fun, you can play it over and over again... besides, i've forgotten where everything is, so it's like i've never played it before. it's a great distraction 'cause i really get into the game... i'm a huge dork, and i've been going to people's zelda websites to look at maps and get hints.. i've even printed stuff out. that is so lame... i'm a 22 year-old woman, i shouldn't be this into playing a video game... but it is a great distraction... so, as long as i'm playing zelda i'm happy... but when i stop... :(

so i got my hair cut and my highlights done... it looks good, but we'll see how it looks when i have to do it on my own... it's shorter and there are more layers... here's a pic:

although i like my new cut, it didn't really help with the depression any... in fact, it kinda increased it right away 'cause the first thing i thought was that i couldn't wait to show tim... and then i remembered that we're not together anymore. i miss him. i guess i just have to keep myself busy and distracted so i don't dwell on it. hurts though.

so i'm doing a little better on the crying thing, but i think it's because i haven't really accepted it. it is just too sudden and it just seems to irrational and weird. and i still love him... i just don't think that it can be real. but it is very possible that it is and that Tim and I will never be together again. i don't know how to make myself accept that possibility. i don't want to accept it, but i know that I have to. I'm deluding myself into thinking that everything is ok by involuntarily imagining it, by just thinking that i haven't seen or spoken to tim because he's been busy. i guess it will really be real for me as time passes. i don't want it to happen, but i have no control over the situation... this sux (understatement). Now i'm off to work the overnight shift at the hospital... hopefully i'll be busy so that i won't be sitting there thinking about how i miss tim and how he'll be awake and at his hospital... i love him so much, and i'm so proud of him... i can't believe that i won't be there when he graduates. he's going to be such a great nurse, and he's worked so hard for it. i hope he knows it.

so, it's mother's day and, as i said before, this day is pretty depressing for me. not because i don't have a mother... i have 2. but because i don't have such a great relationship with my real mom and that sucks. i love her, and i know that she loves me, but we just don't really know eachother... so, i'm depressed. and it's raining, which is depressing, and my boyfriend of almost 5 years dumped me, which is really the most depressing of all 'cause i'm still in love with him and this hurts. I don't think i'm going to post anything more until i have something new to say, 'cause i've just been writing the same things over and over and it's pretty pathetic... i did add the link on my photo album page to the pics from the wedding... perhaps i shouldn't have done anything with them so soon, they just depressed me even more... ah well... take a look at them and you can see me in my new dress...

well, it's Mother's Day, which for me is the most depressing day of the year anyway, so to add that on top of the boyfriend dumping me out of the blue, i'm pretty upset. everything sucks. i hurt.