well, the boyfriend broke up with me (that's what the earlier post was all about). I'm so sad... i'm broken :( we were going on 5 years together. 5 years and i still love him so much. this hurts. a lot. i don't really get what happened either... we were good, i thought... he broke up with me once before and we got back together. last year right around this time (actually right about this time). LIke, this could be like the 1 year anniversary of it. Last year he said that he thought we weren't in love anymore and that we were growing apart and that we should take a brake... he ended up calling me a week later and apologizing. but this year...

it all started last night after the wedding (not ours.. our friends')... everything went well at the wedding. he looked sexy in his tuxedo and i looked pretty hot myself in a new dress and spiffy hair. we had a good night... we danced to the slow songs looking in eachother's eyes... we were planning on doing something today... but then when it was time to leave i asked him if he was coming over to my house, cause we hadn't been able to see eachother all week. he said no 'cause he was just too hot and tired... and then i got depressed and made him feel bad about it. i do - did - that too much. when he couldn't come over, i'd make him feel bad, and that's really not nice. of course, people tell me that he should want to come over more... but i think he does, he's just so busy. ...anyway... so after i got upset that he wasn't coming over, tim said that he'd been thinking about it for awhile, and he thought that we needed to take a brake from eachother... this was at like 1230am in a mighty chilly, dark parking lot after we'd both been drinking at the reception. i freaked out (a valid response) because i completely hadn't seen this coming... he didn't want to talk about it so i asked him if i could meet him today in a neutral place to discuss. he agreed... i went home and cried myself to sleep

so today he called me around noon and we agreed to meet at 3pm at the Vischer Ferry Nature Preserve. so we met there and Tim tried very sweetly to explain that he needed time for himself to figure himself out. he said that he still loved me but that he thought that we could both benefit from some time apart. I can't remember exactly everything that was said... we haven't been able to see eachother very much lately (which was actually a major problem that led up to last year)... Tim had a very hectic schedule with school and work and my work schedule is less than ideal in that i don't have any set pattern, i work when i get hours. now tim is graduating and starting his new job working full-time nights and he doesn't think that we'll be able to see eachother at all... i see his new schedule as an opportunity to see eachother more.... now he'll just be working instead of working and going to school... i'll have to be doing both in the fall, but we will have time together... we'll have days off and weekends... or we would. and we were planning on moving in together, so we'd be seeing eachother more. i just don't understand... we'd been talking about it forever... he asked me to move in with him... he told me on new year's that he was going to propose to me this year, and now he acts like he doesn't love me anymore... he says he does, but he needs space. he thinks the romance has gone from our relationship... i don't think so. i mean, we're not all over eachother all the time, but we have been together for over 4 years...

he wanted to hold my hand when we were walking, and at one point i referred to him not being my boyfriend anymore and he said he still was and when he left he hugged me and kissed my forehead.... so i'm confused. i mean, if he's breaking up with me then he's not my boyfriend... i still love him and still want him and still want him to be my boyfriend, but if he really doesn't feel the same way then there's nothing that i can do about it. Tim isn't happy with himself right now and he's nervous about starting a new job. I asked him if I made him unhappy and he said no, so i don't understand how dumping me will make him happier with himself. i guess i see his point about us not seeing eachother much, but i've always just known that it would get better someday, and i thought that with his new job it would get better soon...

also, we'd been doing so much planning about getting an apartment together... we'd been going out and shopping for our "10 dollar appliance of the week" and getting other assorted items for the apartment... he hasn't said a thing about being unhappy. this just all came so out of the blue, it's such a shock... i feel like everything is falling apart... i miss him already and i'm just so sad. i thought that we shared the same vision of the future and now it's falling apart, and that's so scary... all i want is to be with him. he makes me happy, and i'm so sad so my first thought is to go to him, but he doesn't want me. this hurts so much. everything reminds me of him. i look around my room and see the collage he made me of pictures of the two of us and our family and friends hanging above my bed, pictures of him on my wall, on my dresser, on my desk, all the pooh bears above my desk that we collected together, the stereo he gave me, my dresser that he stripped the white paint off and stained for me, my bed that he helped me put together (and, of course, there are other memories associated with that bed), even the shirt that i always wear to bed was Tim's... everything reminds me of him... as if i need reminding... i'm always thinking of him. i just don't know what i'm going to do... i love him, and i don't want to lose him, but i guess i have.

i just saw a commercial on tv for the three diamond anniversary ring ("for the past, the present and the future") and i just started bawling all over again. this hurts so so bad.

so so so sad and depressed. i wish i could just sleep until the hurt stops. crying lots.

well, i'm going to a wedding tonight (i'll post pics tomorrow) but if you're bored you could... 1)go see spider-man (even if you already saw it, it was great) 2)geek it up and watch the trilogy 3)check out this site for some college humor 4)read all the megatokyo strips 5)check out my little brother's site for some random fun things 6)go play ddr (i wish i could) 7)go shopping (even if you have no money and just look around... always works for me) 8)go to barnes and noble and sit there for hours reading books and not buy anything 9)go out dancing :) 10)mini-golf 11)i dunno... i can't think of anything else right now.. i guess if i wasn't going to this wedding i'd be pretty bored tonight too.. later... ali

ok so i found the perfect dress for this wedding... it's blue (my fav color) with a cowl neck and an "A-line" shape... it looks like something Donna Reed would wear :) Now i just have to find shoes...

so i'm going to get my haircut on monday morning (after working an overnight shift... why did i do that?)... i'm not sure what i'm getting done.... i'm either going to get it cut like Chloe on Smallville (see below) or just trim it up a bit... i dunno...

I still don't know what I'm wearing to this wedding tomorrow night... I guess I have to go shopping today (like that's some sort of big punishment)... i've actually been taking my digital camera with me to take pictures of me in each dress i try on... maybe i'll post some, the pictures are kinda funny cause it's me taking my picture in the dressing room mirror and let me tell you, i just look thrilled :)

ugh... i am so poor... paying bills is depressing, especially when you haven't been working... i hope i get this other job... ugh... also, i'm going to have to borrow like 25,000 for 2 years of grad school. i'm gonna be poor forever :(

... so... i love megatokyo... it's a web-comic and it's L33t :)

so i went looking for something to wear to a wedding this friday... i dunno what i should wear... i can't find anything that fits me right... and i'm not sure how dressy this wedding is going to be... i'm such a casual person normally that pretty much anything beyond jeans is dressy for me... i guess i'll have to go back out tomorrow... if anyone knows what a girl's supposed to wear to a friday evening spring wedding, let me know :)

I'm thinking about cutting my hair... i like chloe's hair on smallville:

let me know what you think...

my schedule for the fall looks pretty good... I've signed up for 12 credits, and my classes are on Mon, Tues, and Wed evenings... I can't wait to go back to school, all this free time is killing me...

I applied for the departmental secretary job at the hospital. Hopefully, i'll get it... they must not have had anybody apply for the job when they posted it in house a month ago cause it found its way into the paper, so i'll have an edge over outside applicants because I already work at the hospital... it's full time first shift no weekends or holidays, and that would work out GREAT for my going to school... when i student teach... well, that's a different story... but i won't mention the grad school thing in the interview... i'll just screw 'em later....

*yawn*

I'm "not needed" again tomorrow at the other job. I wish they'd just tell me if they don't want me back ever, cause that's ok with me. Why waste my time? unfortunately, i can't pick up any time at the hospital tomorrow, so it's just a lost day. dammit. the thing that sux the most about not working at the scoring place is missing the people who i worked with :( we had fun...

i suck.

maybe i sucked for a reason though, and i'll find a better job. hopefully... ah well... enough worrying for tonight...

sleep was good :) Now I'm getting ready to go to St.Rose and work on my schedule for the fall... I guess I have to look for a new job too... well, I'm not sure about that, I mean, my job hasn't told me not to come back (of course, i didn't call them yet today...), but I'm not sure that I want to go back anymore, cause I keep failing the tests, so what's the point? I mean, I guess it might happen that I might pass one, but I'm like 0 for 5 or something like that so... I'm thinking it's better for me not to waste my time going anymore and causing me all that stress and embarrassment (cause, i can't help it, i stress over it and get really embarrassed when i don't pass, and it only gets worse each time... )... so, perhaps I'll apply for the departmental secretary job at the hospital or go for the teaching ms office (I could do that, and it'd probably be fun for me)... i dunno... i guess it kinda depends on how my school schedule is gonna be, so i should stop worrying about it till after my meeting... ugh... i'm still so tired....

Tim takes his final today, and then he's done with nursing school :) He graduates May 19th. I'm so happy for him... He starts his new job at his hospital on June 10th. We haven't been able to see much of eachother lately, but after he starts his new job maybe that will change. It will be nice for him not to have to do both work and school for a while. He's been so stressed out lately, I can't wait for him to be able to relax (and I'm sure he can't either).. I'm so proud of him :)

I hope this meeting doesn't take too long... i'm still hella tired, and i'm really not in the mood for this.... at least it's tuesday night and i get to see "That 70's Show" and "Smallville" when I get home... :)

...morelater... ali

I opened my big mouth and volunteered to work the overnight shift at the hospital last night... and then i couldn't sleep before hand... so now I'm home and I'm going on 24 hours of awake... and i don't know why i'm attempting to write... it was a very busy night (thank God, or else it would have gone by so... s...l...o...w... but, who am i kidding the night drug on regardless of how busy I was.... other job didn't need (or want?) me back today, but who can blame them, i suck... i plan on sending out some resumes after i wake up today, so who knows, maybe not doing so great at this one job will cause me to leave and i'll find something ten times better... maybe... but probably not... too painful to be awake... nothing that i say makes sense... can't keep eyes open at all.... fell asleep three times just writing that sen... tence... sleep now bed good more later

I suck again... (see friday)
depressed
blah

so... isn't it weird that the next generation of Star Wars fans will call the original Star Wars movie "A New Hope"... I mean, I'm aware that it always was named "A New Hope", but no one ever actually called it that... see what brought this on is my dad and I are watching Star Wars (special edition) and my 9-year-old brother came up and was like, "Cool, this is on?" and dad and I were like, "Yeah" and Greg was like, "Which one is it?" and we said, "Star Wars" and Greg said, "I know, but which one?" and we said, "Star Wars... the original" and Greg said... "Oh, 'A New Hope'" and ran downstairs to put it on.. How weird...

The best thing about R2D2 is he's like insert your lines here.. So while he's whistling and beeping you can't help but think in your head what he's saying... I, for one, like to think that he's a little smartass and that he says rude things all the time :) that's why he's my favorite :)